My Babies

Laying in bed this morning at 6:30 with my eyes closed but wide awake, I was listening to Sara cry. Well, not really cry, more like growl and whimper, then yell mama, Dada! She wanted out. This is the bad thing about having her in our room. She knows we are there, if we are not there she will just lay down and go back to sleep. I sit up and she is instantly happy, grinning from ear to ear, she starts to wave at me, 'Hi' she says. It is very hard to be grumpy when this is the first thing you open your eyes to.

I suppose we can say she is officially walking now. Just this weekend she has gotten very brave and started to walk all over without stopping to grab the closest pair of legs and instead of crawling she will stand and walk to where she wants to go. She is very proud of herself and her mama gets a little choked up when I see how excited she is.

Where did my baby go? A man in church today told me that in his expert grandpa opinion she seems much older than 13 months. I sighed, It's true. Each week she is trying to say new things, 'was dat' is my personal favorite. This is one Ryan used to say about a trillion times a day. It reminds me of him and then I wonder when it was that he stopped saying that and turned into this handsome, smart little man. He is practically a first grader, I can't stand it! Sara is taking after Ry in her fiestiness. She makes her wants and wishes known in a way that you have no choice but to accommodate her. She also hugs you and pats you and loves you enough that it makes up for all her demands.

When Jena was little she was a charmer right from the start. She charmed me by sleeping 8-10 hours by week 2 of her life! She used to make the greatest faces, still does really. She is such a performer and has the best laugh on the planet. One of her first faces was the surprised face with the 'oh' mouth. This is also Sara's favorite face to make and it reminds me of Jena. It also reminds me of how much I have forgotten about when Jena was little. She is officially a middle child stuck in between 2 more demanding siblings. Maybe this is why she does so much to demand our attention now. I called Jena my little Angel Baby when she was little. She slept which was something Ry didn't do till he was 3. She was just content to sit on the floor, play with a toy and be happy. I don't think I have a picture of her when she is not smiling and happy. Well, that is until she was about 4 1/2, now I have lots of them. You know I think it is a myth that girls hormones kick in around 11 or 12, Jena is only 5 and hers kicked in 6 months ago. Maybe we have a medical miracle on our hands.

I've been feeling so overwhelmed lately that I forget to just enjoy my children. There are days I think I can not take another little person climbing on my, tucking at my pants, stepping on my toes, trying to do my hair, fingers up the nose (yes, Sara thinks this is very funny). And then as I push someone off me I hear 'mom, I just wanted to give you a hug' and then I feel very bad. All my children are so loving! They must have gotten this from Barry because I have a hug phobia. I'm not sure where I got it from, but I'm not very touchy, freely. I am grateful that my my children are and I do my best to hug and kiss them a million times a day because I know that soon, Ryan will be 7 and maybe he won't let me walk him to school and kiss him goodbye. Maybe he won't hold my hand when we go places or lay his head on my lap when we are at church. Jena is now 5 and maybe she will stop doing my hair and kissing me 10 times while doing so. She may not want me to kiss and hug her as long when she goes to kindergarten this fall, because she lets me squeeze her as long as I want at preschool. Soon Sara will have no fear, walking all over and then running away from me in the stores instead of clinging to my arms and neck, one of the few people in the world she trusts. Lately she likes daddy more than mommy and as adorable as this is, my heart is a little jealous. Then she will be 18 months and off to nursery she will go. Don't we wait for this forever! I don't want her to go, it's the only time I have with just her and me.

I'm starting to understand why you are always a mother. The role will never leave you even when you are 80 and your children are 60. My heart beats for them. I will always feel their little hands in mine. I will always see their little baby faces looking into my eyes and I am their whole world. I will always cry when they are hurting and sick and wish it was me not them.

I think that by coming to this understanding it allows me to better understand Christ and his atonement for us. How could one suffer so much for another? So much that we can not comprehend it. How as mothers do we go through not only the pains of birth but the pains of watching our children grow and learn in this cruel world? We do all we can for them, only wishing we could do it all. Christ is no different in his love for all of us, only he was able to take it all away for us if we allow him to. This kind of love, this realization helps me sleep when I lay at night, fearing for my children to grow up and all they will have to face. Christ is there for them too. I must teach them, that is my responsibility, but he is and always will be there for them. Just as I will try to be.