It's been a long year

Something rare happened today.
We were sitting in church, all of us lined up on our pew, and it hit me.
I was actually listening to the speakers and enjoying church.

Were my children sitting quietly, arms folded, hands to themselves, whine free, listening with me?

HA! HA!

More like they were coloring and eating fishy's (or whatever was in the church bag from last week) and miraculously not fighting, not talking so loud you can hear them in the hall, not rolling around under the seats, not sprawled out on the bench kicking each other, not going in and out 90 times claiming they MUST pee again.

Instead of pondering how this miracle was occuring, i mean we were in church, i decided to continue actually enjoying church.

The speakers were a new couple that just moved in down the street.  They both started out their talks by singing a solo. ummm, yeah.  All I'm gonna say about that, beside the fact that they were great, is.....
a. I wish I could sing
b. I wish I dared stand in front of people and not want to pee my pants and then run and hide and
c. I wish I could sing.

You know now that I think about it I can't remember what the topic of her talk was but she just said several things that really hit me.  She spoke about leading a goal oriented, focused life and using our own spiritual gifts and those of others close to us to keep us on track. And then she talked about how last year she somehow 'lost focus'. So much in fact that she really couldn't tell you much about the months of February to May except maybe the TV shows she watched.  She didn't really go into details of why or how she pulled herself out of it.  But it really hit home for me.

Many people close to me know that I have struggled with Depression for several years now. I'm pretty open about it, because I think it helps not only me but others to talk about it.

The past year has been especially hard for me and I haven't really even been able to figure out exactly why.  I'm sure it's the combination of many things...moving (which has been a hugely uncomfortable experience for me) financial stress which has caused Barry to work loads of overtime and therefore not home with the family, (unexpectedly) pregnant, gaining weight...just to name a few.  I didn't really realize it for a long time but all of these things built up over the year really began to get to me.  And at some point I sort of gave up.  I gave up exercising which is huge because it helps me so much emotionally.  I gave up trying to get to know knew people which is hard for me anyway.  I gave up emotionally, physically and spiritually. I just gave up.

In fact I've had 2 theme songs that have really hit home for me this year.  








So hearing from someone else that seemed to have it all together that they have been down that same road recently and found their way out, really brightened my outlook.  It was an instant ray of light for me. It's funny because it seems so simple.  But I think it goes back to why I'm perfectly fine talking about my own depression.  It really does help other people to hear it's not just them.

I look back at last fall and winter, actually it started last summer if I really am honest about it, and I don't see that I accomplished much at all and I know I just felt like crap.  Toward the end of summer I quit taking my kids to the pool, I quit exercising, I quit being social at all.  By fall I was eating nothing but sweets, which is a huge sign of not doing well for me. I quit doing any quilting or crafting or building or painting. I quit reading. I quit blogging. I no longer enjoyed church, I quit praying, reading my scriptures and really just didn't even want to be at church when I was there.  I know all the things I quit but I couldn't tell you how I spent my time.  Napping and TV pretty much sums it up.  Which explains Sara's begging to get out of the house at all times this spring.

I'm not entirely sure what my point is.  I suppose it was just really nice to have that eye opening experience today.  To have that switch flip in my head, to know that I need to make some changes and that I CAN. To have the desire to go run again is so...exciting! I'm reading again, cleaning my house again :) (I'm not sure I'm excited about that one, but it sure needs to be cleaned.)  I'm just starting to feel better and it's just so nice!

One very interesting thing for me is that while I was going down hill all winter, Barry was trying his hardest to encourage me and I was just completely ignoring him.  He was growing leaps and bounds spiritually and I was just standing back and watching him go.  Thinking about that has made me very thankful that he has been there to step up for our kids when I was clearly not.  It's an incredible blessing to be married to such a good man.  There has never been a moment since I met him that he hasn't been pushing us forward spiritually and keeping us on that straight path.

It's just nice to see myself having focus in my life again.  Focus on anything is good at this point and I seem to be wanted to go gang busters and focus on everything at once.  That can be a bit frustrating too and I'm having to force myself to be content with one thing at a time, especially considering I have an 8 week old to keep me constantly juggling.

Well, I'm not sure if any of that made sense or was cohesive at all. In fact I know it didn't...welcome to the inside of my head lately! ;)  But it sure is nice to have a better outlook on life lately!